Apparently I had fallen on one of the most controversial seasons in the history of the show. The bachelor that season, Juan Pablo, infuriated the contestants, fans and ABC producers with his fickleness and lack of authenticity. Host Chris Harrison expressed his displeasure with the ballyhooed star the day after the season ended on Good Morning America. As much as I didn't care for Juan Pablo, my reaction to Harrison's chagrin would be: "What do you expect? Did you really think you could script one of mankind's most unpredictable emotions?"
What fascinated me about this reality TV show is that it's premise and subsequent results present the ultimate paradox. On the one hand, there's nothing real about it. This is quite possibly the worst way for a person to find true love. Only 5 of the final couples in the last 27 combined Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons are still together (with Juan Pablo's relationship status still TBD) - and that's not even counting the scores of broken hearts left out at the rose ceremonies (if you've never seen the show, I don't have time to explain what the rose ceremony is, but it really is as ridiculous as it sounds). On the other hand, by watching the interactions of the characters, I can't help but think that the show is a caricature of relationships in today's society - people seeking happiness on a surface level.
If there's any positive to this series, it's an excellent guide in what NOT to do in building a relationship. And that's not just my opinion, it's based on a more definitive source: the Bible. This may sound a little unusual, as even some Christians would hesitate to call it a practical guide to romance. However, there is an entire book of the Bible dedicated to love and romance: the Song of Solomon. Would I call that a little old-fashioned and out-of-touch? Old, yes. Over 3,000 years old to be exact. Its principles though, have remained relevant throughout the ages. The Song of Solomon is an eight-chapter look at the romantic journey of King Solomon and his bride. Starting with their initial attraction, it moves into their courtship, wedding, honeymoon, how they deal with conflict, and ending with their golden years (Tommy Nelson - 1990, Denton Bible Church). Let's look at some of the trends on both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and see what this rich book has to say about it.
E Pluribus Unum
Latin: out of many, one. It's on the back of every bit of loose change in your ash tray. It's also the starting point for all relationships - out of a sea of many people, we're looking for THE ONE. That's pretty much how the bachelor/bachelorette series starts. A guy or girl is presented with a group of 25 members of the opposite sex, and through a long series of group and individual dates, is supposed to choose one.
People going on dates is a normal thing. It's also reasonable that someone can have a bad date and not pick up the phone for date #2. But you can't reasonably expect someone to think clearly when their attention and affections are simultaneously being drawn in multiple directions. The stars of these shows sometimes don't even get a full day to process one date before they're out with another person. Unfortunately, that seems to be the norm more than the exception in today's society.
Commitment in our culture has almost become a taboo. We've encouraged the notion of "shopping around" and "test driving" before settling. The result has been open-ended relationships, with a poor understanding of what direction they're going in. That's why Facebook made the "It's Complicated" status an option on profiles. I understand that most of the time, we're never going to know after date one if this is the person we're supposed to marry. I've heard many "love at first sight" anecdotes, and I don't doubt their authenticity. I've also heard accounts from many happily married couples relating how the first date was a disaster. The common denominator between the two is that neither couple was willing to spread themselves too thin - a resolve that was rooted in a sense of commitment.
In Song of Solomon 2:1-3, we see an exchange between the couple:
People going on dates is a normal thing. It's also reasonable that someone can have a bad date and not pick up the phone for date #2. But you can't reasonably expect someone to think clearly when their attention and affections are simultaneously being drawn in multiple directions. The stars of these shows sometimes don't even get a full day to process one date before they're out with another person. Unfortunately, that seems to be the norm more than the exception in today's society.
Commitment in our culture has almost become a taboo. We've encouraged the notion of "shopping around" and "test driving" before settling. The result has been open-ended relationships, with a poor understanding of what direction they're going in. That's why Facebook made the "It's Complicated" status an option on profiles. I understand that most of the time, we're never going to know after date one if this is the person we're supposed to marry. I've heard many "love at first sight" anecdotes, and I don't doubt their authenticity. I've also heard accounts from many happily married couples relating how the first date was a disaster. The common denominator between the two is that neither couple was willing to spread themselves too thin - a resolve that was rooted in a sense of commitment.
In Song of Solomon 2:1-3, we see an exchange between the couple:
I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.
Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
The man and the woman exclaim the exclusivity of their relationship. They acknowledge there are "other fish in the sea" - of the valleys, among thorns, among maidens, among the trees of the forest. But their sights are set on only one - rose, lily, darling, apple tree. A skeptic of this passage might argue that this is the end result of the bachelor/bachelorette programs - the individual settles on one out of many. However, the context of this passage does not fit that description. Chapter two is still the dating/courtship phase of their relationship. The wedding does not come until chapter 3. In other words, this exchange is not a life commitment just yet, rather it is a declaration of the exclusivity of their courtship.
Dating in of itself is OK. It's also reasonable to date someone and not end up marrying them. But, the person you marry is someone you have dated at one time. The caution here is that if we spread ourselves too thin on relationships that turn up empty, we will have that much less of ourselves to give to the date that ends up counting the most.
Skeletons in the Closet
So what do these people talk about on their dates? In my opinion, too much, too soon. Remember, this is speed dating. The contestants know they only have limited time to make a big impression, so they want to be able to connect with the bachelor/bachelorette. Conversely, the main contestant wants to see if they can trust the others with their baggage, so a lot comes out in a short period of time.
On the one hand, this doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Of course you would want to be able to trust your significant other. Yes, secrets do not make for a healthy relationship. The trust building phase of any relationship though, takes time. Thus, unloading all the intimate details of your life in the first couple of dates can be a little counter-productive. All of this is addressed in Song of Solomon 2:14-15 -
My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face, let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.
Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
The dove in the clefts of the rock is a symbol of security with something fragile. In this case, the sensitive information of one is secure with the other. The foxes that ruin the vineyard are all the ugly things from our life that need to get out in the open so that it doesn't come to ruin the relationship later on. Make no mistake, this passage encourages us to air our dirty laundry.
But remember the context of their relationship. They're still in chapter 2, so they're not married yet. But, at this point, they've been together for some time. It's not their first five dates. This couple has had time to get to know each other slowly, and as a sense of trust is built, they become more comfortable sharing the uncomfortable with each other. What we can learn from this is that we certainly don't want to wait too long to let a significant other know something critical about our past. However, if we leave ourselves too vulnerable too early, we could be setting ourselves up for heartbreak and disappointment. That's one of the reasons we see so many tears when a contestant is let off the show. Many have opened up parts of their lives that they typically keep closed. They feel they've made a connection with the main contestant because they were confident in sharing that information. Ultimately they are crushed when they're left out at the rose ceremony because they feel rejected. Let's not make the same mistake in real life. Be an open book, but turn the pages slowly.
How far is too far?
One of the most commonly asked and most ambiguously answered questions in church youth groups today. Both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette toe this line frequently. Throughout the countless dates cited above, there is also quite a bit of affection on display. These moments tend to get more intimate as the season progresses and the field of candidates is narrowed down. Let me just ask a quick rhetorical question to those of you taking the time to read this (married or single): if you went on a date with someone, then found out on date #2 that this person kissed, or even just held hands with someone else since your last date, would you stick around for date #3? This is the case on both programs - the main contestant will kiss (make-out, not peck on the cheek) one date, then do the exact same thing the next night with a different person. While it would seem like a no-brainer that this is a recipe for disaster, not everyone would seem to agree.
Although the rhetorical question was meant to have an understood answer of no, sadly, this is not the case with many people in our culture today. Our generation has managed to coin the term "sexual compatibility," meaning we have to try things with different people to find the right fit. It's viewed like test-driving a car. What we fail to realize is that there is an emotional attachment that is associated with acts of affection. Some people have become hardened to it, but it's not how we were naturally wired. Let's look at the words of Solomon again:
2:7, 3:5 - Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
A simple, yet profound statement. If you want my biblical answer to the "how far is too far" question, that would be it. As mentioned above, our affections are designed to be tied to our emotions. In the context of this repeated statement, the woman is swooning over Solomon's efforts to romance her, and she wants to take him to bed. Solomon's response is that the time is not yet right - the right time of course, being marriage.
To leave abstinence only at avoiding premarital sex is to set one's self up for failure. What this verse is saying is that we need to be on guard for conditions that trigger the same responses that come from sex. God did not just intend sex to be within the confines of marriage, He meant for the emotions that come with it to stay there too. To truly adhere to abstinence is to avoid compromising situations.
Another example of this can be seen in the "fantasy suite" (one of the most egregious pseudonyms in TV history) with the last three contestants. Each contestant gets one overnight date alone with the main contestant - no cameras allowed. Although there are no explicit descriptions of what is supposed to happen, the implication is loud and clear. And even though some couples claim nothing more than talking happens, that doesn't mean it was a good idea to begin with. Look at this season's Bachelorette, Andi. Things went south for her on the last season of The Bachelor after her fantasy suite with Juan Pablo. Although we're told nothing happened physically, there were many words exchanged that evening, and for Andi, too many of them were hurtful. Perhaps the biggest was his referencing the previous evening's fantasy suite with another woman. If just spending the night together is so innocent, then why was Andi so hurt to hear that he did so with another woman, especially when she knew all the finalists would have a fantasy suite night?
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Arousing or awakening love can mean a lot of things for a lot of people. Some people wait until they're married for their first kiss. Others kiss early and often but stop there until marriage. The warning is simple, but practical - you know your weaknesses and limitations, so don't flirt with them.
In a Perfect World
There's no such thing. A skeptic would argue that king Solomon did not adhere to these principles in the long run. The Bible does highlight Solomon's relational shortcomings, but skeptics tend to ignore that it also records the consequences of his mistakes. The important thing is that at one point in time, Solomon had it right, and The Song of Solomon was written at that time.
Proponents of the bachelor/bachelorette would point out that the couple from the last season of The Bachelorette ended in a beautiful wedding, officiated by the father of the groom (an ordained minister). I watched the ceremony that was broadcast live on ABC, and they seemed like reasonable people... which is why I'm so confused that they ever agreed to such an unreasonable show.
There will always be anecdotal evidence, but that does not mean that the end justifies the means. I'm not saying it's a crime to watch The Bachelorette on Monday. With the Penguins out of the playoffs, I lost my "there's a big game on tonight" trump card with my wife, so I'll probably watch too. Just remember that the Bachelor/Bachelorette is not a reliable guide on how to find love. If anything, it's a great example of what not to do. But when we see that through a Biblical grid, there's a lot we can learn.
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